071609

The best thing you ever did for me was leave me...

...and come back.

My Artist

... I thought of you as soon as I saw this.

Evaluation

Hey people!! Ugh. I shouldn't say people because I hate when anyone says "you people". It really really bothers me!! I think racism is very prominent in our country still. It's mind boggling! I don't understand it. I never will. And to the people who demonstrate it makes me feel like they are less of a person. Even the slightest comment...I'm like ewww. (that includes all races)

I've been thinking lately. I heard a quote a while ago I'm not sure if I ever posted it, but it kinda goes like this, "Sometimes I think he forgets that I'm damaged, and damaged people are the most dangerous people because they know how to survive". I've realized I've felt this way in my relationships and I really demonstrate it a lot. I really express myself. I don't bite my tongue anymore for people esp. regarding my male relationships. I used to always live in fear that that person would leave me. I have a fear of people leaving, not talking to me anymore, not caring for me because of something I said or my actions. I don't feel like that anymore though. It's sad that I really don't care. I tell people how I feel now only because I don't care if they leave because I know what it feels like to be alone. I know how to survive because I have been forced to. I didn't want to be like this I have been molded into this. It's not scary. It helped me grow a lot. Still alone now as I type. Not lonely though. I have plenty of friends and family that love me, and I'm very satisfied. I often feel bad about the things I say to people though, but I can't be fake anymore. I can't put on an act and act like I am happy when I am not. I have to be honest because if I don't ill never be where I need to be. I'm sorry that others have to suffer. I have become merciless. Don't blame me, blame you.

Thinking still, a guy told me the other day that he loved me. A guy that is much older than me, and I guess he likes me. I was totally offended though. The first time I've ever been offended by that word. I just felt that he tried to play on my age by telling me that he loved me like I would eat it right up and be on him like I've never been loved. He totally set me on fire. I know though that he didn't mean to, but what I don't know was his true purpose of saying it. Maybe he does? I just felt that he can't possibly love me because he hasn't known me for a long time. I think many people are infatuated with me. I think people like the thought of me more than the actual me. (Not to toot my own horn in any way, shape, or form) Sometimes I think I am viewed as a sex symbol, and people would rather have me on their arm just to say, "Yea, that's me!" Rather than get into my head and see what I'm about. They'd see that I am very intellectual, very spiritual, very loving, and compassionate. I'm so forgiving, so, so forgiving. More than I need to be. Instead they'd rather get into my pants, feel my insides, and cause me more pain than pleasure because I know that they weren't in it for me they were in it for other personal reason. I'd never give any one the opportunity to do that to me anymore. Never. Everyone gets evaluated. Not looks, but character. So the moral of the story is...telling me you love me is not doing anything for me because I've been "loved" by people who couldn't do anything for me.

(After I spazzed out he did explain himself, and he really didn't mean any harm. This is not to say that he isn't a good guy. He is actually pretty cool. :) )

I am so happy. Happy fourth of July!!

And to the people that know and deserve it...I love you.