Monday, August 17, 2009

New Post

Yea so I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't blog when I am happy. Life is running smoothly. I am finding myself. I think? I think I'm more or less discovering what I want out of life. I don't get stressed out over things that I used to. My car broke down on me at 3am this weekend and I was in the middle of the hood, and had to get it towed. So no car for a week. You'd think I'd be blown... and I am, but I just react differently towards things. Stress never helps any situation. I've learned that. I've learned to just deal with it. Because at the end of the day...I still have to wake up the next morning and deal with it. Mind as well cope.
I've been twittering lately. It's pretty cool, so you can also follow me there. @LcristalA

Love you all.

Oh and I can't forget my post secret::

I never knew anyone else felt the same...

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


The best thing you ever did for me was leave me...

...and come back.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

My Artist

... I thought of you as soon as I saw this.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


Hey people!! Ugh. I shouldn't say people because I hate when anyone says "you people". It really really bothers me!! I think racism is very prominent in our country still. It's mind boggling! I don't understand it. I never will. And to the people who demonstrate it makes me feel like they are less of a person. Even the slightest comment...I'm like ewww. (that includes all races)

I've been thinking lately. I heard a quote a while ago I'm not sure if I ever posted it, but it kinda goes like this, "Sometimes I think he forgets that I'm damaged, and damaged people are the most dangerous people because they know how to survive". I've realized I've felt this way in my relationships and I really demonstrate it a lot. I really express myself. I don't bite my tongue anymore for people esp. regarding my male relationships. I used to always live in fear that that person would leave me. I have a fear of people leaving, not talking to me anymore, not caring for me because of something I said or my actions. I don't feel like that anymore though. It's sad that I really don't care. I tell people how I feel now only because I don't care if they leave because I know what it feels like to be alone. I know how to survive because I have been forced to. I didn't want to be like this I have been molded into this. It's not scary. It helped me grow a lot. Still alone now as I type. Not lonely though. I have plenty of friends and family that love me, and I'm very satisfied. I often feel bad about the things I say to people though, but I can't be fake anymore. I can't put on an act and act like I am happy when I am not. I have to be honest because if I don't ill never be where I need to be. I'm sorry that others have to suffer. I have become merciless. Don't blame me, blame you.

Thinking still, a guy told me the other day that he loved me. A guy that is much older than me, and I guess he likes me. I was totally offended though. The first time I've ever been offended by that word. I just felt that he tried to play on my age by telling me that he loved me like I would eat it right up and be on him like I've never been loved. He totally set me on fire. I know though that he didn't mean to, but what I don't know was his true purpose of saying it. Maybe he does? I just felt that he can't possibly love me because he hasn't known me for a long time. I think many people are infatuated with me. I think people like the thought of me more than the actual me. (Not to toot my own horn in any way, shape, or form) Sometimes I think I am viewed as a sex symbol, and people would rather have me on their arm just to say, "Yea, that's me!" Rather than get into my head and see what I'm about. They'd see that I am very intellectual, very spiritual, very loving, and compassionate. I'm so forgiving, so, so forgiving. More than I need to be. Instead they'd rather get into my pants, feel my insides, and cause me more pain than pleasure because I know that they weren't in it for me they were in it for other personal reason. I'd never give any one the opportunity to do that to me anymore. Never. Everyone gets evaluated. Not looks, but character. So the moral of the story is...telling me you love me is not doing anything for me because I've been "loved" by people who couldn't do anything for me.

(After I spazzed out he did explain himself, and he really didn't mean any harm. This is not to say that he isn't a good guy. He is actually pretty cool. :) )

I am so happy. Happy fourth of July!!
And to the people that know and deserve it...I love you.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Kinda how I'm feeling...

"Go ahead and steal my heart to make me cry again, 
'cause it will never hurt as much it did then, 
when we were both right and no one had blame, 
but now I give up on this endless game." 

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Blogging on paper...

I don't know where my life is headed. I'm trying to open up my arms and embrace the mystery, but it is hard. I guess I am the type of person that wants to control everything or at least know what is going on. My relationships control my emotions. My relationship with my mother, my relationship with my coworkers, my relationship with men. I wonder if everyone is the same. I'd like to think that I don't care what other people think, say, or do. At the end of the day though I don't think anyone can honestly say that. I'm in a city that I don't care for too much, going to a school that is going to make my mother proud, beginning relationships that I know won't last, and I've stayed at a job that drives me crazy only because I am comfortable. I am not saying that I am not happy because this is the first time in a long time that I have been satisfied, but is satisfied happy?

Quote of the day: "Time waits for no one. Even as I write the clock is ticking, and the second I had two seconds ago has came and gone." --Me

Tuesday, June 2, 2009


I thought this was pretty cute;; courtesy of

Blower of the week:

I'm back people!! Just for today though because I have access to a computer at school. Yes, I know its Summer but I have Summer classes (what a blower) so to put one blower over another I realized that I am here June 2 trying to go to class to find no one is there, so I storm down stairs and ask why and come to realize my class starts june 15. Urghhh. I could scream. Seriously. And to add insult to injury this class starts late so it runs into the other sememster. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to stay calm, but I'm getting sick of this college thing.

"I concentrate on more realistic things. Like questioning is there anything here worth salvaging? Is it over? How do we go about deciding? Do we add up all the good times then divide them by how many times we hurt each other? Or do we just ignore the numbers, and vow right now that nothings gonna to take us under? Can we agree to just disagree?"
Let's stay together -Lyfe Jennings

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

It's been a while...

...because I don't know where my life is headed, and my computer is broken.

Explained enough?

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

"The harder the fall, the higher the bounce"
-Trisha Migdalia Pascall-Lopez
I've been saying it in my head ever since you said it a your dinner speech. I am so proud of you, and I know you've heard it all before, but I really mean that. And I love you for who you are and not what you do. You will be great in other people's eyes but mainly the one who really matters...God.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day!!!

You would always tell me to be satisfied with the mother God gave me.
...and I am.
I love you Mommy.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Picture Provided by:

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Train on a Track

...Like spokes inside a wheel, involuntary motion, like rolling down hill, and there is no way to stop it.
...Once you fall in love
--Kelly Rowland

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Before it gets too deep...

Disclaimer: Ok people that may read my blog may think, "WOW this girl is always sad and depressed" I do want to say that I'm not really this sad on a day to day basis. Like if you talk to me I'm all smiles, but I do have inner issues that I can't really express to alot of people, so I write them on my blogs which ultimatley makes me look like a pyscho, crazed, adolescent on the brink of suicide. Nope! Not at all. I love my life. I love my family, and my many friends. I have alot of issues with relationships that I'm trying to work out which affects a major part of how I'm feeling on a day to day basis, but that is only a very small portion of my life, and what I do and think about everyday. I just don't want people thinking I hate my life because that is not my intention.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Marcus Emery

I hate you; really.
Update: I do want to commend you on the things that you did for me in our relationship when it was going great. I had never experienced any thing remotely similiar to the feeling I had when I was with you, but the ultimate best thing you ever did for me...was leave me.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Picture provided by PostSecret

Thursday, April 23, 2009

It gives you wings...

Blogging at work? Nah not really we don't have Internet in my area. So I decided to blog on paper. hehehehee. What a loser. It makes the time go by faster though. [Ugh I hate it here] I've been down lately. I need Jesus and a drink. Yea I know that's horrible, but I gotta keep it real at all times because if you don't then people will call you a hypocrite and you won't lead by example. You can't act like your holier than thou and everyday you've been at the top of the mountain. Today is a smooth day here. Busi-ness is slow. I have so much to do the rest of the week and weekend regarding school, my new gadget [the wii], and generally getting myself together. My mom is coming tomorrow. I really don't know how to feel about that, but we will see how it goes.
Ugh I hate feeling this way. It doesn't get any lonelier than this. I hate the ups and downs of my emotions, and when I think about what controls it makes me wanna barf.
Anywho what goes up must come down right? I guess...but I wish I could grow wings so I can stay up all the time. Red Bull?

...I'll Holla

I always find quotes around and sometimes they don't apply to my life, but I get epiphanies for other peoples lives. I read it and automatically think of the person it applies to. I found on today and you know who you are:

Quote: "Successful people don't have fewer problems. They have [just] determined that nothing will stop them from moving forward" "Gifted Hands" -Ben Carson
Picture by post secret


"Now I can feel you changing me, and I can't afford to slip much further from the person I was meant to be. I'm not afraid to walk alone. Not giving up; I'm moving on before gets too deep."
Keri Hilson

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

2 plus 2 negatives = Life in April?

I haven't blogged in a while. Well like wrote a real blog, you know? Well anyway it is 12:27 AM now Thurs and I'm still up from Wed. I decided to write everything that has been going on in my life lately. Or anything you all may have missed.
Well in the beginning of April end of March? I got to spend some time with the one and only Marcus Emery. It was very exciting, nerve wrecking, and relieving all in one. Some of you may not know and some may know, but this boy gets on my nerves. I really think he doesn't know how to push my buttons, so I can't blame the innocent, but it's such a coincidence that he hits it right on target every time. Nonetheless, we are like best friends and I love him in a way that I have never felt love before. And what people don't understand is that it is not about what he can do for me, but it is because of who he has been to me. I wish I could make you understand, and sometimes I wish I could make myself understand. And I know people say in their heads, "My God just let it go", and I really wish it were that easy. Honestly. I did enjoy my time with him being that it isn't that often.
Another plus is that I rekindled another relationship that dwindled due to technical difficulties and similar situations that hinder us both, but we manage to still show each other love and respect. He is growing on me though. Who knows where the relationship may lead. It could go far or it could go a few inches, but only time will tell. It is crazy because time is the solution for everything and we sit and wait and wait and wait with so little time, but it truly and genuinely helps us understand, heals us, and gives us a way to get our thoughts together. What a beautiful invention! Time. Just had an epiphany...during the blog (Sorry, Mina.)
A negative is that I need a new job. A lot of people are like "Your crazy. You got a good job. There are so many people out here looking for a new job and you have a good one, and you are still not satisfied". Okay so yea, I need another job. If I don't I'm going to commit suicide in my cubicle. I absolutely hate it there now. Don't get me wrong I have developed very nice relationship with my co-workers, and I enjoy doing what I do, but I am bored out of my mind. So I applied for a few jobs yesterday let's see whether I get any call backs. Wish me blessings!
Another negative is that if my brother doesn't do anything about his girlfriend's attitude soon I'm going to cut her legs off.

I'll holla.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Men of God

I cried the first time I saw it

Sunday, April 19, 2009

I have been obsessed with these books and this website for a long time. It is basically random people send in post cards with there deepest darkest secrets, or things they've always wanted to say, but couldn't or can't on them. Here is one post card I read today:

I'll post other interesting ones I see whenever I get a chance.

I'll holla.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

My Life

I started writing a book last's no where near finished, but I wanted input for motivation to continue. Let me know what you think.


My friend always told me I should write a book about my life. I was flattered. I thought about it though. Then thought how difficult it would be and just dismissed the fact. The reason I thought it would be difficult was because I didn’t think it would be interesting. I thought about the type of audience that would actually enjoy reading what I wrote and find it insightful and fresh. I couldn’t think of anyone in my in crowd or any one I have seen on television that would actually enjoy it. Oprah popped up into my mind often and I thought about if she would. She has enjoyed reading a wide variety of books. This is obvious being that she has probably a hundred different types of books in her book club. Maybe just maybe she would curl up in her mansion and be able to look inside of the heart of a young girl growing up. No trauma. No starvation. No drugs. Just plain living. Living with the things real life throws at you. That idea was simply out of my reach. The second reason why I felt I wasn’t capable of producing something great was because of the things I have forgotten. I can take myself back to certain events, but I can’t remember minor details like what I was wearing, exact words, and dates. I just thought it would be too difficult for me to explain exactly how I felt at those very moments when I felt overjoyed, helpless, and sometimes fearful.
One day I just decided to give it a try. After all I was so bored, and my brother’s girlfriend was basically living with us for yet another weekend which meant she would consume my only friend’s time for three whole days. So cramped up in my tiny room I decided I’d start writing. I wrote on a paper first. With my black pen I began to write the date, and wrote exactly what I thought was necessary to begin. I wrote only because I feel like people never write anymore. I feel like we are too lost in technology and one day we will not have written witness accounts. Every thing will be digital which means it can be easily removed or edited. It won’t be raw and uncut. So I wrote. Then I thought about the books I have read over time about people’s own lives and noticed that in the book they tell about the process in writing their own book. If that makes any sense, but anyway I notice they are always using there laptops. I thought to myself maybe they do that for a reason. On paper for some reason it was much harder to get my thoughts across. Then my hand would cramp up and it explained why I had given up so many times before. I got on my laptop and gave it a try. It was so amazing. I had finally committed myself to writing this thing. No matter what happened, No matter how long it took me. The words would just spill out over the keys as they are now. I later thought that I would rewrite it by hand to be true to myself and have an unedited version of it.
I am ever grateful for that friend who believed that I could do this. She is much older than me, but she talks to me as if I were some wise old grandmother that has all the answers to life. I can’t believe some one who has lived over 6 years more than me actually thinks I have the key to life. It flatters me. It makes me feel like I have actually learned something out of this crazy life. It makes me feel like haven’t become a victim, but a victor. It also puts a lot of pressure on me though because at times I have no idea what to say, but at least I am honest. I try to never pretend to know when I truly don’t. I give the best advice that I can, but you will learn more about this wonderful woman through my own life. Sometimes looking back at that I wonder why she hadn’t written her own book, but I guess God has a plan, purpose, and will for every thing.

May 24 2008

People have always told me I should right a story or book about my life, but I have no idea where to start. There are so many things that have happened to me I just can’t think of how to completely explain in depth how I got to where I am right now. I was blessed with the ability to sing, but I’ve always told myself that I didn’t know what to write or how to a write song to say the least. I can write eloquently and my English papers almost shock me when I am done. To sit and write a song, put a nice beat to it, and make it a hit is completely out of my reach. I am now eighteen years old and more than ever I just want to burst out with this powerful voice I have inside. I remember as a child how passionate I was about singing. I would set up all my teddy bears and dolls and perform for them. They never said a word. They just sat and enjoyed my performance the way they knew how. Duh!? They didn’t have life. Still with the brush full of hair in my hand as my microphone I would bare my soul to them. The song I can remember singing was Destiny’s Child first hit record featuring Wyclef Jean, “No,No,No.” I had no idea what they were talking about or what the song meant to them, but I sang as though I did. My best friend Jennifer and I would burst out in our bras and jean jackets as if we were famous. I laugh at it now, but we were so serious back then.
I remember when I first met Jennifer. She was very pale with striking greenish, hazel eyes. She had long dark hair. It was curly, but more wavy then anything. She later got a curly perm to improve that, but she was beautiful. She was very hairy as most Hispanic children are, but she was often picked on because of it. Her whole family was made up of short people, so you can only imagine her fate. She was such a good friend to me. She was a year older than me and though we were not that far apart in age for some reason I admired and looked up to her. I thought she was so much prettier than I was and she had so much more class than me. She would take advantage of that fact at times. Now that I look back at it I think of how cruel children can be at times. They don’t know. They have no sense of true right and wrong until they are told, so I can’t really blame her. She was in my life when I was developing and becoming a young lady. I guess this is one of the most vulnerable times of life and I hung on to every single thing she would say.
I remember one time being in her kitchen she convinced me into eating dog food. She lied and told me it was bacon. I watched her eat it. Well at least I thought she did. Then I went ahead and took a huge bite out of this long stick of doggy treat. The taste wasn’t as awful as one would think it would be. It just had a terrible after taste. The after taste was kind of like you sprayed air freshener in the air and accidentally opened your mouth too quickly. Like something you knew wasn’t supposed to be edible. She looked at me so shocked but nonchalantly said, “I can’t believe you ate that. That is a doggie treat. I didn’t really eat it. I faked it.” I was so upset at her, but I kind of felt so stupid for actually being convinced into eating something foreign to me. Now I understand why dogs love it. It’s kind of like fake human bacon, but it has all these extra things in it to make it healthy for dogs to eat.
She was such a bully, but I knew she loved me and cherished my friendship. I don’t remember a day not speaking to her during that time. I would even be upset and sometimes jealous when she went away to visit her father in Prince George. One of the reasons was because she was away from me and two was because I didn’t get a chance to visit my father as often and as easily as I wanted to. She absolutely loved her father and wanted to live with him. I couldn’t fathom her living with him because she would have left me alone to live with my mother and because I wouldn’t be able to see her. That is one thing we had in common. We both hated our mothers for one reason or another.
I didn’t like my mother because she never understood me. She never cared for me as she did for my brothers. I felt like the demands and work you have to put into raising a girl was just too much for her. She didn’t have the answers for me and she didn’t understand why I didn’t get it. I remember one time being with Jennifer outside and I was so terrified of asking my mother the simplest questions because she would always scream and make me feel stupid for even asking. It could be something simple as spending the night over a friend’s house or even going to the mall with them. I can’t think of what I wanted at this time, but nevertheless I asked Jennifer to go ask what ever it was for me. She liked Jennifer she would let me spend the night with her and go anywhere with her, but I guess this particular day we knew we were asking for too much. Jennifer walked into my house, screamed my mothers name and my mother answered. When my mother answered Jennifer walked into her room completely unaware of what she was about to witness. There it was this hairy man that was not my father just pounding at my mother in ecstasy, making sweet love to her, I guess. All I know is that Jennifer ran down the stairs and out the door as she laughed so hard. She always laughed. She thought everything was so funny. It annoyed me so much. She would laugh at the most inappropriate times. One time she dropped a stack of books on me while I was lying on the floor. At this time I was still developing in my bust area and I was constantly sore. The books came crashing down on me and I almost threw up from the pain I felt. I was literally paralyzed for a second. It hurt so badly. She burst into laughter. I know she didn’t mean to do it, but I was ready to get up and let her have it. She laughed so hard she could barely get her apology out. It was so annoying, but being young I knew I couldn’t hit her. She would beat my frail body down with ease. Anyway, I didn’t understand what happened. My mom walked out looking so discombobulated with her bra over her shirt screaming Jennifer’s name. Me sitting there completely clueless I wanted to know what happened. Putting two and two together I got so upset that my mother had allowed this innocent child see the most disgusting thing in the world at the time. Deep down inside I was so glad it was not me. I was so embarrassed and I screamed at my mother. I was mortified. You could probably see the steam coming out of my ears. My mother quickly grabbed me up and ordered Jennifer back to her house which was about ten apartments down. When I was inside my mother yelled and called me all sorts of names. She then violently spanked me. I am pretty sure she doesn’t remember that now. People don’t ever want to remember when they have done wrong. If I was to tell her about it now she would probably say I was being dramatic or that the story went a different way. I remember now just sitting in the living room crying because of such anger I had inside. I never used to cry from pain. I always cried because I was so angry. I guess that explains my anger problems that arise at times now, but especially the tantrums I throw towards my family. I sat there shocked. I thought she was the one who needed the beating. She was the one who tainted our minds and scarred us for life. I just didn’t understand and my mother didn’t understand why I didn’t understand. Those were my reasons. Those situations were the ones that made me want to move in with my father so bad. Jennifer’s reasons were different. She could talk to her mother any kind of way. She could scream and get what ever she wanted. She was a spoiled brat to put it plainly. Her mom was an older lady and Jennifer was so much younger than her sisters. By the time she was four she was already an auntie. Her sister had a child at a very young age, but it still shows the separation between them. Her mom was such a club hopper. She would leave every night and wouldn’t come back till early morning. She would leave Jennifer alone the whole night watching movies or playing with her dolls. Once I came into her life it was better because she had some one there with her. We would just play with Barbie all night. Jennifer had the coolest, newest ones. Mine were all beat up and pierced. I definitely can’t blame my mother for that. She would buy me a Barbie and I would let other people borrow them. When I would get them back they’d all be marked on, pierced, hair fried, and greased up. I was so generous to let the kids around the neighborhood borrow them, but it was always at my expense. When playing we used to make up these crazy stories and to think of how old I was at the time I don’t want my kids knowing about that type of stuff at that tender age. We would have HIV testing, have sex with Ken, nose and fake tongue piercing, and so much drama, but it was only in that world. The world where there were no rules and we could create a life we expected in the future. It makes me wonder if children still do that. It seems to me as though our society has made our children grown up too quickly. I am grateful for the time I did get to play. We did it not knowing about the real issues that people had in there actual lives. People do actually live with HIV and people often do have children very young. Jennifer wanted to move in with her father, step mother, and little step sister Sarah. There life was much more “normal.” Jennifer longed for normalcy I guess. She wanted to sit down at the table with her family. She wanted scheduled lunch times and play dates. She was not content in her mothers club hopping, cigarette smoking, and solitaire playing world. She wanted out. She did everything in her power to prove that she didn’t want to live with her mother. She even took her case to court. After the custody hearing she called me. She could barely speak. Her mother had won her case. She got to keep her child. Her mother was devastated at the whole fact that they were trying to take her away in the first place. She would call my mother crying at times. She was definitely not an unfit mother. Jennifer was granted every wish she could think of. Sadly she just wasn’t satisfied.
After the hearing Jennifer eventually settled for just visiting her father over the weekends. It was soon forgotten. I really couldn’t understand why she didn’t want to be around her mother. Her mother left her alone at night and I longed for my mom to leave me alone for one minute. Her nagging was unbearable at times. Anyway, the thing I loved most about Jennifer’s mother was her interest in Jennifer’s music. She was one of the only ones who believed in me and her. We would put on shows and she would genuinely listen and critique us. We longed for some one to take us seriously. We found that in Jennifer’s mother. She would tell us what was good, how we looked, how we sounded, and who should sing what. My mother never really showed much interest. I don’t think it was that she didn’t care. I think it was the fact that the odds of us getting famous were just out of the picture for her. She was more concerned about my education than anything. I was doing so poorly in school, and now that I think about it I can’t explain why. It wasn’t hard. I just stop doing my work. I stopped caring. I felt that way about a lot of things except for my music. I stopped caring about what my mother thought and started caring about what I thought. I feel like the reason why I would get bad grades was to defy her. Just to be rebellious and even though I feared the beating I knew would come. I was just happy knowing I could hurt her and take her to that place she would take me when I felt betrayed. Just knowing that I could get her to that point of anger where she could do nothing, but hit me gave me a sense of satisfaction I guess. I felt like she was content when I was upset, and when I was happy she was angry. Of course she doesn’t remember this, but I do. I remember. I thought I couldn’t take myself there, but now as I type. I completely remember. The brain works in weird ways. People never really forget. Usually people that have serious issues like drug addicts, prostitutes, or people with eating disorders have trouble remembering why they got to that point. Where in the midst of it all did it get to the point where it became incontrollable? Sometimes people can’t remember off hand, but if you dig deep inside there is always a reason. You may not remember at the moment of how you got to that point but your heart does. Your heart never forgets.
Jennifer and I would sing together all of the time. People in the neighborhood knew us for our singing. It was not long before we needed some one else to complete out perfect harmony. That is when we brought in my mother’s friend’s daughter Janet. She could sing well maybe not as good as Jennifer and I, but she got the job done and she could also rap. That brought a nice twist to the trio. Janet was Dominican. She was short, brown skin, and had course hair. She was a slim girl, but she had thick hips, legs, and thighs. Her face was beautiful. She was a good asset to the team, but she brought a lot of drama to the picture. We would argue a lot mainly because of jealousy. We were young so we fought over verses, clothes, barbies. Just about anything. We soon had to call the group quits. The older we got the more we fought, and we began to fall apart. Jennifer and I continued to sing together because we were close friends, and singing was something that we just enjoyed.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Another quote...

So...I found this on someones status and it amazed me. So this is how I'm feeling right now.

"Sometimes he forgets that I'm damaged, and damaged people are the most dangerous to mess with because they know how to survive..."

Absolutley amazed.

...I'll holla

Sunday, April 12, 2009

I don't know how to feel right now;; I had a good weekend though. I wish I wasn't lazy so I could give detail and maybe pictures, but I'm too tired. I love this song:

"It's gets harder everyday, but I can't seem to shake the pain. I'm tryna find the words to say. Please stay. ...& I hope one day you see; nobody has it easy." -John Legend

...I'll holla

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

...& he would never know.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Take Over

"You can be my side pinky and the brain...You can be the brain...Only because your head is bigger though." - Marcus Emery [Conversation: On taking over the world]

Wednesday, April 1, 2009


...And if it's written on my face;; I hope it never goes away
--Ashlee Simpson "Pieces of Me"

Thursday, March 26, 2009

It's Mario!!

One of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

[Do] you feel me!?

The sun rises and sets everyday WITH OUT FAIL!!!!

...thats how I know that God is real.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Pocket Book

If you were to look into my purse at this moment you would see pens, glasses, febreeze, etc., but most importantly there are little scraps of paper. These scraps aren't just any kind of scraps. They have words on them. Important words. Well, at least to me. I scribble down random things that people say, like memorable words I hear or read, or like something that made me think alittle bit. I just scribble it down really fast and save it in my purse. I found two cleaning out my purse today. Just decided to post em'.

"...people are just people. Their income or position in life doesn't make them better or worse than anyone else." - "Gifter Hands" -Ben Carson

"You win some; you lose some, but you live to fight another day" -NEXT FRIDAY!! [edited through a good friend]

I'll Holla...

Friday, March 20, 2009

Obama;; No Drama

Yea so Mr. President Barack Obama was on "The Tonight Show" last night. You know I've never been moved by this man. I didn't feel any emotions when he was elected, or felt any different the next day. Of course I was happy to have a new president in the White House, but I just believe I was less excited than anyone else. It kinda felt like it was a trend to me. Like he was a trend, and I didn't want to become a part of the trend. I wanted him to be the President not because he was well liked, but because he was the right man for the job. Any who... last night I sat and watched him. I swear I could have probably drooled, but I was almost in tears by him. It was insane for the first time in my life I felt like the person in the White House could relate to me, the person ruling my country could actually feel my pain. He is so down to earth, and even if he weren't President he would still be a great man. Last night was the first night I felt like this is My President. What an amazing, powerful, relieve and feeling that was.
May the Lord continue to bless you Sir.

Quote: "Americans... still believe in an America where anything's possible - they just don't think their leaders do." -Barack Obama

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


"Sweetest honey to the brightest flower;; the largest planet to the smallest atom.
Snow flakes, and the bird kingdom;; smaller than the eye can see, bigger than the mind can concieve."
-"God is Real" India Arie

Monday, March 16, 2009


This is the first time in my life I've missed home or just being around familiar faces and areas.
I can't wait till next year.
VCU here I come.

I'll holla...

Sunday, March 15, 2009


So much for the three weeks...

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


Sooo..I haven't talked to the "ex-factor" in 2weeks!!! YAY!!! I know its not much, but when you normally talk to someone everyday that feels like forever. Talking to one of the my good friends I told him, "Yea, I haven't talked to [him] in 1week in a half!" He shotted me down by saying, "1week and a half Laura? 1week and a HALF? Let's be serious. That is not long at all." Being me I began the cycle of excuses, so that I'll still feel proud of my very slow but steady progress. I guess I wasn't very convincing. Nonetheless...I miss him.

I'm going home this weekend!! Seven5 all day. Sadly I'm not driving so I won't have a car. Sometimes I hate going home. Only because I have to share my time with so many people and then people get upset when I can't spend time with them. I wish there were more hours in a day sometimes. [Ugh, except for when I'm at work.] Then there are the people that wanna kick it with me all day which hinders me from being able to see anyone else. You may be thinking, "Laura why don't you just bring them with you?" True, but some people just don't mix. My goal is to see at least two different people a day. I'll be there for 2 1/2 days. So that is approx. 5 people. Half of my friends will be at school. That eliminates alot of people, so I should be okay. Nonetheless...I love them all the same.

I'll holla.

Quote: "The most beautiful discovery that true friends can make is that they can grow separately without growing apart." -anonymous

Monday, March 9, 2009

My Beeez

Kourtney's my fave :)

Just a thought...

These [scars] I’ve got are apart of who I am. Take me or not.
I’m so done trying to be everything you want. Cause you aint worth it.

"Camouflage" -Brandy

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Mr. Black

DISCLAIMER: I decided that I didn't really want to drop names too much on my blog, so I'm going to give people nicknames.

I just got a text from Black and he inspired me to write this blog. Me and Black have been really good friends for about 4 years now. All I have ever wanted was to just feel important in his life. Like just to have some type of value. Not just another girl, but that is what I feel I have been. Like how many years do you have to know someone to be considered a really good friend or more? It's so funny because telling someone I love them is nothing to me. People have gotten offended by me saying it so freely, but I truly love everyone that I tell in one way or another. And to think someone that I have known for so many years feels so uncomfortable telling me he loves me. It's crazy to me. For the past two months I have really stopped caring about it. Like genuinley not caring at all. I feel like once you really have given something all you've got and it still hasn't worked out you give up on it. And then I feel like once you have truly given up and you really do not care about those people surprisingly those people always wanna show up all of sudden and act brand new. Perfect example: I have never recieved a gift from Black EVER, and all of a sudden I get a wallet and a coat for Valentine's Day!! Um? WHY? Excuse me Mr. Black, but do you feel like your losing me?...Because you are absolutley right.

So the moral of the story basically is people feel like they can treat other people like crap like they won't leave or something. Like they need them and then surprisingly when they get the picture they try to be nice, or get them back on track. Love the people that you have in your life right now. Don't love them when they stop caring, or want to leave.

P.S. Thank you Black the coat is fabulous!

Quote: If you have it [Love], you don't need to have anything else, and if you don't have it, it doesn't matter much what else you have. -Sir James M. Barrie

Monday, March 2, 2009

Snow Day!!

So...I decided not to go to work today because its snowing!!! Yay and Nay. Yay because I hate work. Nay because my heat is broken in my car and there is no way I can go anywhere. Ugh. Whatever though I'm chillen. We all stayed home so we can just stay here staring at each other. My brother is hung over. Tabi is acting like she is from Mexico and never seen snow before. Hahaha. You should see her face.

Too bad I'll prolly still have to go to school. The dean is from like Maine or something, and unless there is a complete blizzard with power outages every where she is not going to close school. Ugh. Time to have some hot chocolate. I'll holla.

Quote: "Never say you'll do anything. Say you'll do everything" -Tyra Banks

Saturday, February 28, 2009 in progress

I'm feeling alittle down today. It is the last day of my fast and I guess I am supposed to be feeling better, but the things I went through during the fast has broken me down. In a sense I felt like I asked God to shed all the unnecessary things in my life off of me, and he is slowly but surely doing so. As people and things are leaving though I'm feeling empty. I feel like all I have is me. All I've ever had was me, but now all I really have is me. What lesson is it this time? Is it what ever is done in the dark always comes to light? Is it never trust any one but God? Is it sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself? Who knows, but whatever the lesson may be I hope I get the point. Sometimes I just want to tell God "ENOUGH WITH THE LESSONS", but in a way they make me who I am. The constant shedding of my being is making me, me! God has a plan and a purpose for me. I'm glad he cares enough to even show me, to even teach me. He is awesome. And I don't care what anyone says. I made a promise that I will always keep and it was...I would believe in God even if no one else in the world did, even if the very people that showed me God stopped loving him. I would still worship, love, honor, glorify, and believe...because he is the truth and he is...

Quote: "After all you put me through...You'd think I'd despise you, but in the end I want to thank you because you made me that much stronger" -Christina Aguilera

One of the case you didn't know. ;)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Chasing Pavements

So when does a person give up on some one else? Or give up on anything for that matter? I don't know like just the thought of something that once existed, that you once loved, and once made you happy becomes nothing in your eyes is crazy to me. The thought that nothing good lasts forever is such a scary thought. That is why it is so hard for me to let go of things. Esp the things that I have spent so much time, money, and heart into. To just turn around and say it is over; like no more; like its no longer there; like there is nothing; NO MORE; Nada; is beyond any words I can fathom. So will it ever feel ok after you've lost something you care about? Does it ever go back to normal? Who knows? I lost my father when I was 11 years old, and I still feel like he is on a crazy vacation having the time of his life and he'll be back one day. I don't think about him being gone because I can't fathom the fact that I'm really never going to see him again. Like ever. I guess anything permanent scares me.

Quote:"If I could take another chance, another walk, another dance with him...I'd play a song that would never ever end" -Luther Vandross

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Thinking about...thinking

I was in class, and my teacher told me that artists, writers, and musicians are most likely to have mood disorders than any other human being. She continued by saying that the reason for it is because they tend to think alittle more deeply than others. I find this to be very true. I think I think more deeply than others. I know people think all the time, but I actually think about thinking. Very irritating;; but I'm glad she said that because it made me feel some what normal.

I'm obsessed with quotes. I find myself thinking about the quote I'm going to write at the end of my blog more than what I am going to write in the actual blog. hahahha. I guess because I have been so moved by other peoples words. Just the thought that what some one else says can actually change lives, change opinions, change hearts. It makes my skin tingle just thinking about it. Reading a good quote is like having an epiphany. An "ahaaa!" moment. I love those moments. It almost feels as though I grew an inch taller or something. Or my heart got bigger. Or maybe even my brain. I don't know;; I hope one day I'll be quoted. I hope the words I write will one day be worth quoting. Then and only then I'll know that my words made some one grow an inch taller, there heart got bigger, or maybe they got alil bit smaller. And they'll feel the way I felt after I've read something amazing.

Quote: ""I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I'm going to class today!!! Yay? I hate this class. It belittles me. It makes me feel less of a person. Give me a topic and I'll smash it. Give me an equation and...? Yep, MATH!!! I hate it so much because I just don't get it. I'm so jealous of those who do. I hate them and admire them all at the same time. The cool thing about Math is that it is the same in every language. What a talent to have when I think about it. To be able to think so critically, and solve, and crack;; puzzles, problems, and equations. It's amazing. Absolutley amazing.
...I'll holla.

Quote: "Let me tell you about the nowhere I came from. I've been chosen and I know that and I don't take it lightly." -Teraji Henson

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Color of Water

Something I found while reading...I found it pretty interesting:

Sometimes without conscious realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living hold on the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to reenter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the place of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but he finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone on to a new and different life, and thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists. This being true of the physical self, how much more true it is of the spiritual self.

James McBride quoting his father in "The Color Of Water "

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Finding Forgiveness

I've been thinking lately. Yea I know it sounds weird because I am ALWAYS thinking, but I've been thinking about forgiveness lately. Me and my ex-boyfriend got into this huge argument over the things that happened in the past, and he asked me how many times does a person have to say sorry before you can believe them? (mind you this is the same person that asked me why I was so pitiful not even 2 minutes before this question) So, what is the answer? Once? Twice?Or is it the 50th like the many times he has told me? I have been telling myself for the past year that I forgave him. I am trying to move past it, but it seems as though I relive every moment of it everday. I guess that means I haven't. I thought I could put a bandaid over cancer and be okay. I try to cover up the pain, but I still feel it. It is still there. So how do you get rid of it? How do you move on? He says 95 percent of our conversations are about the past and I thought about it and they are. That is so sad. He has grown and moved on, but I am still holding on to a problem that I don't even own. I can't wait for that day that I look back and just burst into laughter for how bad I beat myself up about things. I have faith in that day and thinking of that day is what keeps me in motion. Just the thought that one day I will be okay.

Quote from a friend: "...yea, you haven't forgiven him because when you have forgiven someone you never mention it again." -Monica

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Some one asked me a few days ago why I was so pitiful? Ugh. I was so freakin hurt. I could have cry. It's not so much the words;; it's kinda the way it was said. I've been thinking about it for a few days now...and I thought about it and it is so true. I am pitiful. Is that how you even spell it? I'm always sad; I'm ALWAYS depressed, but I don't have any answers to my problems. I think what everyone fails to realize though is how much I hold on my shoulders and how I got here. From nothing to something;; I DID THIS. Everything I have I did alone. With no help, so sometimes I feel like I have the right to be pitiful. I cry about being alone, I cry about my friends, I cry about my family, I cry about him. I have everything that I need and most of what I want, so why am I so miserable? I really wish I had answer for the person that asked me that question, but I didn't. I just stuttered and felt like I always feel...sorry for myself.

Quote: "Having everything you've ever wanted in life and not having someone to share it with is like having all of your fingers on one hand with no thumbs" -Eric Jerome Dickey "Genevieve"

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Just like you...


I have no idea where to start. I guess there is no need for me to talk about the past because it already happened, and tommorow hasn't gotten here yet, so I guess I'll start with today. As I type I'm pretty sure as the days go by people will know my friends as if they were there own. My life has been a crazy roller coaster ride, but I'm grateful for everything that I have gone through. Made my skin alittle bit thicker.

Here we go...

Today was very depressing to me because one of my closest friends isn't speaking to me. She has every right though. I messed up bad. And what makes it worse is that she is my co-worker, so I have to see her everyday. I hope everything works it self out. HOPEFULLY!

I'm going to Puerto Rico tommorow. I don't know whether to be excited or what though. My grandma told me it was gonna be boring. [Now, if your Grandma tells you something like that you know its gonna be some serious boredom] but whatev. At least I am going to get to see my Father's burial site which is the most important thing to me anyway. I cant wait to see it. I hope I don't cry. I probably won't though because I am not a very emotional person. I mean I am emotional. I just don't cry a whole lot now in day.

I'm thinking about calling out of work tommorow. First cause I'm so lazy and I don't feel like going, and second is because I haven't packed yet and I think I have alot to do tommorow. :(

Welp...I think I'm gone. I need to get things rolling!...hollllla