Saturday, February 28, 2009 in progress

I'm feeling alittle down today. It is the last day of my fast and I guess I am supposed to be feeling better, but the things I went through during the fast has broken me down. In a sense I felt like I asked God to shed all the unnecessary things in my life off of me, and he is slowly but surely doing so. As people and things are leaving though I'm feeling empty. I feel like all I have is me. All I've ever had was me, but now all I really have is me. What lesson is it this time? Is it what ever is done in the dark always comes to light? Is it never trust any one but God? Is it sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself? Who knows, but whatever the lesson may be I hope I get the point. Sometimes I just want to tell God "ENOUGH WITH THE LESSONS", but in a way they make me who I am. The constant shedding of my being is making me, me! God has a plan and a purpose for me. I'm glad he cares enough to even show me, to even teach me. He is awesome. And I don't care what anyone says. I made a promise that I will always keep and it was...I would believe in God even if no one else in the world did, even if the very people that showed me God stopped loving him. I would still worship, love, honor, glorify, and believe...because he is the truth and he is...

Quote: "After all you put me through...You'd think I'd despise you, but in the end I want to thank you because you made me that much stronger" -Christina Aguilera

One of the case you didn't know. ;)

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Chasing Pavements

So when does a person give up on some one else? Or give up on anything for that matter? I don't know like just the thought of something that once existed, that you once loved, and once made you happy becomes nothing in your eyes is crazy to me. The thought that nothing good lasts forever is such a scary thought. That is why it is so hard for me to let go of things. Esp the things that I have spent so much time, money, and heart into. To just turn around and say it is over; like no more; like its no longer there; like there is nothing; NO MORE; Nada; is beyond any words I can fathom. So will it ever feel ok after you've lost something you care about? Does it ever go back to normal? Who knows? I lost my father when I was 11 years old, and I still feel like he is on a crazy vacation having the time of his life and he'll be back one day. I don't think about him being gone because I can't fathom the fact that I'm really never going to see him again. Like ever. I guess anything permanent scares me.

Quote:"If I could take another chance, another walk, another dance with him...I'd play a song that would never ever end" -Luther Vandross

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Thinking about...thinking

I was in class, and my teacher told me that artists, writers, and musicians are most likely to have mood disorders than any other human being. She continued by saying that the reason for it is because they tend to think alittle more deeply than others. I find this to be very true. I think I think more deeply than others. I know people think all the time, but I actually think about thinking. Very irritating;; but I'm glad she said that because it made me feel some what normal.

I'm obsessed with quotes. I find myself thinking about the quote I'm going to write at the end of my blog more than what I am going to write in the actual blog. hahahha. I guess because I have been so moved by other peoples words. Just the thought that what some one else says can actually change lives, change opinions, change hearts. It makes my skin tingle just thinking about it. Reading a good quote is like having an epiphany. An "ahaaa!" moment. I love those moments. It almost feels as though I grew an inch taller or something. Or my heart got bigger. Or maybe even my brain. I don't know;; I hope one day I'll be quoted. I hope the words I write will one day be worth quoting. Then and only then I'll know that my words made some one grow an inch taller, there heart got bigger, or maybe they got alil bit smaller. And they'll feel the way I felt after I've read something amazing.

Quote: ""I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -Thomas Edison

Tuesday, February 17, 2009


I'm going to class today!!! Yay? I hate this class. It belittles me. It makes me feel less of a person. Give me a topic and I'll smash it. Give me an equation and...? Yep, MATH!!! I hate it so much because I just don't get it. I'm so jealous of those who do. I hate them and admire them all at the same time. The cool thing about Math is that it is the same in every language. What a talent to have when I think about it. To be able to think so critically, and solve, and crack;; puzzles, problems, and equations. It's amazing. Absolutley amazing.
...I'll holla.

Quote: "Let me tell you about the nowhere I came from. I've been chosen and I know that and I don't take it lightly." -Teraji Henson

Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Color of Water

Something I found while reading...I found it pretty interesting:

Sometimes without conscious realization, our thoughts, our faith, our interests are entered into the past. We talk about other times, other places, other persons, and lose our living hold on the present. Sometimes we think if we could just go back in time we would be happy. But anyone who attempts to reenter the past is sure to be disappointed. Anyone who has ever revisited the place of his birth after years of absence is shocked by the differences between the way the place actually is, and the way he has remembered it. He may walk along old familiar streets and roads, but he is a stranger in a strange land. He has thought of this place as home, but he finds he is no longer here even in spirit. He has gone on to a new and different life, and thinking longingly of the past, he has been giving thought and interest to something that no longer really exists. This being true of the physical self, how much more true it is of the spiritual self.

James McBride quoting his father in "The Color Of Water "

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Finding Forgiveness

I've been thinking lately. Yea I know it sounds weird because I am ALWAYS thinking, but I've been thinking about forgiveness lately. Me and my ex-boyfriend got into this huge argument over the things that happened in the past, and he asked me how many times does a person have to say sorry before you can believe them? (mind you this is the same person that asked me why I was so pitiful not even 2 minutes before this question) So, what is the answer? Once? Twice?Or is it the 50th like the many times he has told me? I have been telling myself for the past year that I forgave him. I am trying to move past it, but it seems as though I relive every moment of it everday. I guess that means I haven't. I thought I could put a bandaid over cancer and be okay. I try to cover up the pain, but I still feel it. It is still there. So how do you get rid of it? How do you move on? He says 95 percent of our conversations are about the past and I thought about it and they are. That is so sad. He has grown and moved on, but I am still holding on to a problem that I don't even own. I can't wait for that day that I look back and just burst into laughter for how bad I beat myself up about things. I have faith in that day and thinking of that day is what keeps me in motion. Just the thought that one day I will be okay.

Quote from a friend: "...yea, you haven't forgiven him because when you have forgiven someone you never mention it again." -Monica

Thursday, February 12, 2009


Some one asked me a few days ago why I was so pitiful? Ugh. I was so freakin hurt. I could have cry. It's not so much the words;; it's kinda the way it was said. I've been thinking about it for a few days now...and I thought about it and it is so true. I am pitiful. Is that how you even spell it? I'm always sad; I'm ALWAYS depressed, but I don't have any answers to my problems. I think what everyone fails to realize though is how much I hold on my shoulders and how I got here. From nothing to something;; I DID THIS. Everything I have I did alone. With no help, so sometimes I feel like I have the right to be pitiful. I cry about being alone, I cry about my friends, I cry about my family, I cry about him. I have everything that I need and most of what I want, so why am I so miserable? I really wish I had answer for the person that asked me that question, but I didn't. I just stuttered and felt like I always feel...sorry for myself.

Quote: "Having everything you've ever wanted in life and not having someone to share it with is like having all of your fingers on one hand with no thumbs" -Eric Jerome Dickey "Genevieve"