New Post

Yea so I haven't blogged in a while. I guess I don't blog when I am happy. Life is running smoothly. I am finding myself. I think? I think I'm more or less discovering what I want out of life. I don't get stressed out over things that I used to. My car broke down on me at 3am this weekend and I was in the middle of the hood, and had to get it towed. So no car for a week. You'd think I'd be blown... and I am, but I just react differently towards things. Stress never helps any situation. I've learned that. I've learned to just deal with it. Because at the end of the day...I still have to wake up the next morning and deal with it. Mind as well cope.

I've been twittering lately. It's pretty cool, so you can also follow me there. @LcristalA

Love you all.

Oh and I can't forget my post secret::

I never knew anyone else felt the same...

071609

The best thing you ever did for me was leave me...

...and come back.

My Artist

... I thought of you as soon as I saw this.

Evaluation

Hey people!! Ugh. I shouldn't say people because I hate when anyone says "you people". It really really bothers me!! I think racism is very prominent in our country still. It's mind boggling! I don't understand it. I never will. And to the people who demonstrate it makes me feel like they are less of a person. Even the slightest comment...I'm like ewww. (that includes all races)

I've been thinking lately. I heard a quote a while ago I'm not sure if I ever posted it, but it kinda goes like this, "Sometimes I think he forgets that I'm damaged, and damaged people are the most dangerous people because they know how to survive". I've realized I've felt this way in my relationships and I really demonstrate it a lot. I really express myself. I don't bite my tongue anymore for people esp. regarding my male relationships. I used to always live in fear that that person would leave me. I have a fear of people leaving, not talking to me anymore, not caring for me because of something I said or my actions. I don't feel like that anymore though. It's sad that I really don't care. I tell people how I feel now only because I don't care if they leave because I know what it feels like to be alone. I know how to survive because I have been forced to. I didn't want to be like this I have been molded into this. It's not scary. It helped me grow a lot. Still alone now as I type. Not lonely though. I have plenty of friends and family that love me, and I'm very satisfied. I often feel bad about the things I say to people though, but I can't be fake anymore. I can't put on an act and act like I am happy when I am not. I have to be honest because if I don't ill never be where I need to be. I'm sorry that others have to suffer. I have become merciless. Don't blame me, blame you.

Thinking still, a guy told me the other day that he loved me. A guy that is much older than me, and I guess he likes me. I was totally offended though. The first time I've ever been offended by that word. I just felt that he tried to play on my age by telling me that he loved me like I would eat it right up and be on him like I've never been loved. He totally set me on fire. I know though that he didn't mean to, but what I don't know was his true purpose of saying it. Maybe he does? I just felt that he can't possibly love me because he hasn't known me for a long time. I think many people are infatuated with me. I think people like the thought of me more than the actual me. (Not to toot my own horn in any way, shape, or form) Sometimes I think I am viewed as a sex symbol, and people would rather have me on their arm just to say, "Yea, that's me!" Rather than get into my head and see what I'm about. They'd see that I am very intellectual, very spiritual, very loving, and compassionate. I'm so forgiving, so, so forgiving. More than I need to be. Instead they'd rather get into my pants, feel my insides, and cause me more pain than pleasure because I know that they weren't in it for me they were in it for other personal reason. I'd never give any one the opportunity to do that to me anymore. Never. Everyone gets evaluated. Not looks, but character. So the moral of the story is...telling me you love me is not doing anything for me because I've been "loved" by people who couldn't do anything for me.

(After I spazzed out he did explain himself, and he really didn't mean any harm. This is not to say that he isn't a good guy. He is actually pretty cool. :) )

I am so happy. Happy fourth of July!!

And to the people that know and deserve it...I love you.

Kinda how I'm feeling...

"Go ahead and steal my heart to make me cry again, 

'cause it will never hurt as much it did then, 

when we were both right and no one had blame, 

but now I give up on this endless game." 

--Adele

Blogging on paper...

I don't know where my life is headed. I'm trying to open up my arms and embrace the mystery, but it is hard. I guess I am the type of person that wants to control everything or at least know what is going on. My relationships control my emotions. My relationship with my mother, my relationship with my coworkers, my relationship with men. I wonder if everyone is the same. I'd like to think that I don't care what other people think, say, or do. At the end of the day though I don't think anyone can honestly say that. I'm in a city that I don't care for too much, going to a school that is going to make my mother proud, beginning relationships that I know won't last, and I've stayed at a job that drives me crazy only because I am comfortable. I am not saying that I am not happy because this is the first time in a long time that I have been satisfied, but is satisfied happy?

Quote of the day: "Time waits for no one. Even as I write the clock is ticking, and the second I had two seconds ago has came and gone." --Me

PostSecret

I thought this was pretty cute;; courtesy of postsecret.com

LOL

Blower of the week:

I'm back people!! Just for today though because I have access to a computer at school. Yes, I know its Summer but I have Summer classes (what a blower) so to put one blower over another I realized that I am here June 2 trying to go to class to find no one is there, so I storm down stairs and ask why and come to realize my class starts june 15. Urghhh. I could scream. Seriously. And to add insult to injury this class starts late so it runs into the other sememster. I don't know what to do. I'm trying to stay calm, but I'm getting sick of this college thing.


"I concentrate on more realistic things. Like questioning is there anything here worth salvaging? Is it over? How do we go about deciding? Do we add up all the good times then divide them by how many times we hurt each other? Or do we just ignore the numbers, and vow right now that nothings gonna to take us under? Can we agree to just disagree?"

Let's stay together -Lyfe Jennings

It's been a while...

...because I don't know where my life is headed, and my computer is broken.

Explained enough?

"The harder the fall, the higher the bounce"

-Trisha Migdalia Pascall-Lopez

I've been saying it in my head ever since you said it a your dinner speech. I am so proud of you, and I know you've heard it all before, but I really mean that. And I love you for who you are and not what you do. You will be great in other people's eyes but mainly the one who really matters...God.

Happy Mother's Day!!!

You would always tell me to be satisfied with the mother God gave me.

...and I am.

I love you Mommy.

Sometimes...

Picture Provided by: PostSecret.com

Train on a Track

...Like spokes inside a wheel, involuntary motion, like rolling down hill, and there is no way to stop it.

...Once you fall in love

--Kelly Rowland

Before it gets too deep...

Disclaimer: Ok people that may read my blog may think, "WOW this girl is always sad and depressed" I do want to say that I'm not really this sad on a day to day basis. Like if you talk to me I'm all smiles, but I do have inner issues that I can't really express to alot of people, so I write them on my blogs which ultimatley makes me look like a pyscho, crazed, adolescent on the brink of suicide. Nope! Not at all. I love my life. I love my family, and my many friends. I have alot of issues with relationships that I'm trying to work out which affects a major part of how I'm feeling on a day to day basis, but that is only a very small portion of my life, and what I do and think about everyday. I just don't want people thinking I hate my life because that is not my intention.

Marcus Emery

I hate you; really.

Update: I do want to commend you on the things that you did for me in our relationship when it was going great. I had never experienced any thing remotely similiar to the feeling I had when I was with you, but the ultimate best thing you ever did for me...was leave me.

Picture provided by PostSecret

It gives you wings...

Blogging at work? Nah not really we don't have Internet in my area. So I decided to blog on paper. hehehehee. What a loser. It makes the time go by faster though. [Ugh I hate it here] I've been down lately. I need Jesus and a drink. Yea I know that's horrible, but I gotta keep it real at all times because if you don't then people will call you a hypocrite and you won't lead by example. You can't act like your holier than thou and everyday you've been at the top of the mountain. Today is a smooth day here. Busi-ness is slow. I have so much to do the rest of the week and weekend regarding school, my new gadget [the wii], and generally getting myself together. My mom is coming tomorrow. I really don't know how to feel about that, but we will see how it goes.
Ugh I hate feeling this way. It doesn't get any lonelier than this. I hate the ups and downs of my emotions, and when I think about what controls it makes me wanna barf.
Anywho what goes up must come down right? I guess...but I wish I could grow wings so I can stay up all the time. Red Bull?

...I'll Holla

I always find quotes around and sometimes they don't apply to my life, but I get epiphanies for other peoples lives. I read it and automatically think of the person it applies to. I found on today and you know who you are:

Quote: "Successful people don't have fewer problems. They have [just] determined that nothing will stop them from moving forward" "Gifted Hands" -Ben Carson

Picture by post secret

Energy

"Now I can feel you changing me, and I can't afford to slip much further from the person I was meant to be. I'm not afraid to walk alone. Not giving up; I'm moving on before gets too deep."

Energy

Keri Hilson

2 plus 2 negatives = Life in April?

I haven't blogged in a while. Well like wrote a real blog, you know? Well anyway it is 12:27 AM now Thurs and I'm still up from Wed. I decided to write everything that has been going on in my life lately. Or anything you all may have missed.
Well in the beginning of April end of March? I got to spend some time with the one and only Marcus Emery. It was very exciting, nerve wrecking, and relieving all in one. Some of you may not know and some may know, but this boy gets on my nerves. I really think he doesn't know how to push my buttons, so I can't blame the innocent, but it's such a coincidence that he hits it right on target every time. Nonetheless, we are like best friends and I love him in a way that I have never felt love before. And what people don't understand is that it is not about what he can do for me, but it is because of who he has been to me. I wish I could make you understand, and sometimes I wish I could make myself understand. And I know people say in their heads, "My God just let it go", and I really wish it were that easy. Honestly. I did enjoy my time with him being that it isn't that often.
Another plus is that I rekindled another relationship that dwindled due to technical difficulties and similar situations that hinder us both, but we manage to still show each other love and respect. He is growing on me though. Who knows where the relationship may lead. It could go far or it could go a few inches, but only time will tell. It is crazy because time is the solution for everything and we sit and wait and wait and wait with so little time, but it truly and genuinely helps us understand, heals us, and gives us a way to get our thoughts together. What a beautiful invention! Time. Just had an epiphany...during the blog (Sorry, Mina.)
A negative is that I need a new job. A lot of people are like "Your crazy. You got a good job. There are so many people out here looking for a new job and you have a good one, and you are still not satisfied". Okay so yea, I need another job. If I don't I'm going to commit suicide in my cubicle. I absolutely hate it there now. Don't get me wrong I have developed very nice relationship with my co-workers, and I enjoy doing what I do, but I am bored out of my mind. So I applied for a few jobs yesterday let's see whether I get any call backs. Wish me blessings!
Another negative is that if my brother doesn't do anything about his girlfriend's attitude soon I'm going to cut her legs off.

I'll holla.

Men of God

I cried the first time I saw it